Elephants never forget
I count sheep. All day, all night. I count them because I can't sleep. My glossy, plastic eyes are are always open. I stare at you with always the same expression. The same silly, sewn-on, red smile. Elephants, do not smile.
My fuzzy, gray fur is falling out. Elephants, don't have fur. I wish you would notice, but you don't. You don't even look at me anymore. Me with my glossy, fixed stare, and silly, threaded grin. My fuzzy gray fur is falling out. I wish I could tell you, to make you notice, but my smiling mouth won't even open. It's only good for smiling. You used to love my smile, didn't you?
My threadbare ears are pink on the inside; just like a mouse's. I am not a mouse. I am an elephant. Elephants, do not have pink ears.
I have a nice trunk. It is very long. It is still the same, but it does not make any sound. The trunks of real elephants make sound. But I am not a real elephant.
My stuffing is falling out. Remember when the dog pulled me from your bed? He must have thought I was very tasty. Remember how you cried? But you don't care anymore. Even though my stuffing is falling out.
Remember when you used to cuddle me to sleep? I would make you nice and warm, even though elephants are not very cuddly. Except for me. I am a one of a kind elephant. I was your elephant.
And oh, do you remember the adventures we used to have? We have traveled all over the world together... We have fought evil dragons and saved fair princesses. Do you remember? I do.
But now I sit neglected. My balding gray fur is covered in fuzzy gray dust: I have a new coat. My happy smile is still the same. My ears are still pink.
I am not very cuddly anymore.
But I am still a one of a kind elephant. With my glossy, plastic eyes, my silly, red grin, pink ears, and fuzzy, un-elephant like fur. You are too old for me. And I am old too. I sit on your dust-collected wooden shelf. I count sheep. All day, and all night. I count them because I can't sleep.
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140,287 Literary Works • 673,074 Reviews
~Azila~
Yes, I agree: this seems more like a poem or monologue than a piece of fiction. Having said that, it was an enjoyable read.
A lot of your statements were telling. Show us the emotion and action: use active verbs, not stative verbs. "I have a nice trunk. It is very long" is somewhat bland compared to "I admire my long trunk" - "nice" and "good" are weak words. Stay away from them!
The other thing is to use a thesaurus - repetition, while effective in certain circumstances, can distract the reader if it occurs too often.
Not bad otherwise. 6/10
I think all the technical stuff I noticed has been pointed out. This piece was cute. WHat I think it needed was something more to clarify that this elephant was a toy. That's what I got out of it, anyway.
Hi Stars!
The rhyme here kind of bothered me.I think these two sentences should be joined with a dash [--] or a semi-colon [;] rather than the period.
I'd combine these two as well. Maybe with a comma, dash or semi-colon?
Replace this semi-colon with a comma or a dash.
These two should be combined, too.
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Overall, this piece is really sweet and sad, and I liked it--even if it does remind me of the Velveteen Rabbit.
I like the repetition of the theme of "Elephants do not ____." However, I suggest you make them all the same because some of the are "Elephants don't ____" and some of them are "Elephants do not ____." Also, You should delete the commas after "elephants" because they don't work grammatically.
Other than that, I really like this piece--it makes me feel melancholy and trapped, reading it. Poor elephant that isn't an elephant.
Feel free to PM me with comments/questions!
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
Wow! Very nice piece. Some minor technical mistakes, which I will be pointing out, and also some minor repetition that you might want to fix. Here is my critique:
There shouldn't be a comma after "Elephants". There are also a few other places where this happens, which you might want to consider looking at, like here:
and here:
and it seems like here, you repeat the word "smile" a lot. This could just be me, but you might want to check a thesaurus and come up with another word for smile here.....
This felt a bit choppy in places, because the sentences were often very short. I would suggest that you revise this part a little.
A bit cliche?? Entirely a matter of opinion, because it does sound like something a child would do with his/her elephant.
Again, in the beggining this felt a bit choppy to me. Also, can something be a "dust-collected? That sentence felt a bit od for some reason.
___________
Overall, I liked this, it was nice. I hope I wasn't to harsh, I really feel that this has potential. Good Luck with the contest!
That was a very nice peace of work. It had a lot of emotion in it. But I would think you should put it in the poem section. It doesn't really have a plot.
I think it could do with a bit of smoothing out. At the beginning you repeat the misfits over about it eyes and how its got no fur etc. But then you don't in the middle then you pick it back up at the end. So to make it seem more smooth and rhythmic maybe try and always have the same last line. Maybe something like this.
My glossy plastic eyes,
My silly sewn on red smile... Elephants don't smile
etc.
You could add onto it each time then at the end you could put
But elephants don't forget
or something.
I think that is a very good ruff starter piece and if you keep going with it you could really shape it into something excellent.
You don't have to do what I suggested... Its just what I think would sound cool.
Good work!
Genevieve